RPGPundit officially endorses Review as proof of Dark Albion’s greatness, gets minor details wrong.

It is good to receive recognition for one’s best efforts. Never in a million years would I have conceived that a man of my humble stature and modest following would receive recognition for my service to the OSR. Like an early christmas miracle, the time has finally arrived.

John Tarnowski, an avid follower and close friend, has found the courage to speak out against my continued obscurity, and has spared no small effort in ensuring that my beautiful and detailed review of his magnum opus Dark Albion, finally gets the recognition it deserves. Paused midway in covering my laptop in thaumaturgical circles to ward off the Rune-Magical Wroth previously reserved for the most hated of storygamers and Uruguayan phone companies, none were more suprised then I to see a glowing endorsement of my critical review of his work. Stopping short of handing over his blog, John has stood up to the world, pointed and declared loudly that my review is proof of the greatness of his work. But one need not take my word for it. Take it away John!

Or maybe not.  I just got to watch someone spend a couple of weeks frantically committing himself to a Swine’s worst nightmare.  This guy is from the somethingawful-related ‘your dungeon is suck’ website that despises the OSR, D&D, and ‘grognards’, and me and a few other OSR guys in particular (aside from myself, mostly Zak Smith and James Raggi, but they’ve also attacked Tenkar and several others), and he had written a horribly slanderous review of Arrows of Indra prior to this.

Uh…this was not the, i dont, er…

 So of course, to keep up his pathetic second-hand fame of being popular among his goon-buddies by connecting himself to (attacking) my success, he made loud overtures about how he was going to review Dark Albion too when it came out, to make fun of how awful it was bound to be and how horrible I am.

This is outrageous! I was ensured this was a glowing endorsement!

And that’s how he got roped into a multi-part review where it becomes blatantly obvious that he likes the book.

Aha, there we are! One should think the fact that I described things as nice! Decent! Fucking Awesome! and the positive grade as well as the recommendation would have clued one in to this fact. I must ensure Mr. Tarnowski that there was no roping of any kind. I launched myself headfirst into it, and expected, based on his previous work, that I would not like it. One may draw one’s own conclusions.

He had started from the strategy of picking my book apart with a fine-toothed comb (to cement his ridiculous midget-fame as the expert-reviewer of his shithole of hangout), and so it was impossible for him to back down.  

Clearly my midget fame would not have survived otherwise. A simple ‘I dont really feel like it anymore its too dull’ would have caused me to be cast out like a leper. It is men like you, John, that never lost Faith in me. This one is for you!

Yet he couldn’t just lie about the material either because he would be found out; and he couldn’t quit because then it’d be clearly admitting that the game is good.

John is correct in establishing my honesty and integrity as a reviewer. If I had told but the merest half-truth, the slightest omission, the legions of Dark Albion fans would have descended upon me like a horde of pestilent rats! Indeed, I shall go so far as to say I have never written a dishonest review in my life. Never a dishonestly slanderous one indeed! Of course, if I were the kind of awful person that writes horribly slanderous reviews, I would have figured out that by glossing over the good details and emphasizing the negative ones, by omitting especially good sections and providing no examples thereof and by maintaining a consistently dismissive and bored attitude I could have made the work seem much less interesting then it really is.

So what did he do instead? He wrote pages and pages and pages where he desperately tried to cast the book in the least favorable light possible, and instead ends up highlighting everything about it, and it becomes obvious that his attempts to criticize the book are hysterical nitpicking and frantic grasping at straws while he’s spending the rest of the time desperately reminding himself that he’s not supposed to find this book cool because it will ruin him.

I am aghast John. I have publicly and with great vehemence stated my preference for Carcosa, considered in YDIS circles to be a pedophile molestation game for psychopaths (ironically it is not well-liked among YDIS dwellers). But I am glad you feel my review properly highlights what Dark Albion is about. Also I have not reminded myself several times that liking this game will ruin me, especially not in part III, and since I deleted those few instances I can see no evidence of such a slanderous claim.

On other matters He is indeed correct, my endorsement of Dark Albion has cost me my YDIS membership, my complimentary nut bowl and Von and Bigby’s Lubed Fist will soon arrive at my doorstep to break my kneecaps and impound my Enemies of John Tarnowski honourary membership card. It is a great cost, but I shall pay it gladly…for the truth!

No, I’m not going to link it, because shit-head included private information about me and of course his review is full of ridiculous overcompensating with personal and general insults that often veer into hate-speech, but if you really want to find it I’m sure you can.  

John is too kind. I assure him they did and it was nice of him to direct people to it.

Point is, he ends up giving it 5.5 out of 10.  Let that sink in: one of the people who despises me most, from one of the most infamously rabid OSR-hating websites dedicated to ruining me, in what is clearly an incredibly biased effort to defame me and my product, is extremely reluctantly forced to give it 5.5 out of 10 because it would have otherwise made it too obvious to give it anything less.

I think in this case John is being too kind. I find it infeasible to say that of all his manifold enemies that clearly exist and all the websites dedicated to ruining him, I would be greatest amongst his many enemies that are dedicated to ruining him. Perhaps some word of his fans would clarify things:

Alec Baldwin, who is nefariously posting under the alias of Balec Aldwin had this to say:
Sorry you have to put up with that kind of harassment.

I take it gladly Alec. I take it gladly.
ViP, had this rather more thoughtful response:
Calling princeofnothing “somethingawful-related” when he is merely peeling your Onion seems a little harsh. Obviously the guy has affection for your online persona, and respect for your work ethic. How else could he have committed to a 6-part review of Dark Albion ? I only play in Mystara so I don’t really have use for DA, but if anything that review made me want to read parts of it.

Perhaps I should have reviewed his game instead 😦

Calum M, whose avatar takes the shape of the science fiction novel Matter by the superlative Ian M Banks had this to say:

I’ve just read the Arrows of Indra review and he makes it sound pretty good.

It is not every day one is endorsed by not simply the greatest rpg designer in all of Uruguay, but also all of his fans. Truly this was a day of miracles. I could blame it on my detailed writing skill and analytical approach where I go over details with a fine-comb, otherwise known as ‘an actual review’, but in truth I must give credit where it is due. Thank you John Tarnowski, for officially recognising Age of Dusk as the number one place to go to for reviews of John Tarnowski’s Dark Albion by John Tarnowski. If you want to send me a review copy of your next work I shall deign to take a look at it but now that I am officially endorsed by the greatest game designer in all of Uruguay I am not sure I can find the time.

With Love,
Your Prince.

P.S this is kind of akward but if you receive a package via mail just don’t open it and if you do don’t let them eat after midnight.

Update: Some more comments from Jon’s fans.

A loyal fan of RPGPundit by the name of Brooser bear, whose avatar is a bear, had this to say:

I read the threat you did not link. It was lively and enjoyable. They roasted you good, apple in the mouth and all, and it was largely on point regarding Petal Throne influencing the system of magic in your game based on ancient India. I am not a fan of retro-clones. Every DM has his or her own philosophy, and expresses those difference in their view of the gaming via house rules. I have the original AD&D books, I have my own house-rules, and I enjoy writing my own material. Why do I need anyone else’s derivative work? With regards to the Arrows of Indra, it is the Indra who got you in her web, and had the last laugh! The philosophical and symbolic significance of the Indra was lost on Gary Gygax, when he appropriated her for the D&D as Lloth the spider queen. Your depiction of India is shallow in the same fashion. Any work of art, or a fantasy game can be uniquely shaped with the philosophy and culture of its setting, and this is where your game fails. You would have done better to have read the Upanishads and to have incorporated the Vedanta, the Dravidian culture, and Sankhiya psychology into your game rather than make a yogi stereotype into your game’s version of a monk character class from D&D. If one chooses to be an intellectual midget, then a mental dwarf he or she will become.

Well spoken Brooser, Arrows of Indra was indeed a great game!

 

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16 thoughts on “RPGPundit officially endorses Review as proof of Dark Albion’s greatness, gets minor details wrong.

  1. So how does It feel to be on top (of the world) ? Do you think I may expect a secondary Pundit bump (a PoN bump so to speak) if I write a 6²-part comment of your review ? If so, do you allow me to slanderously search your 12,061 comments on YDIS to try and find enough clues to dox you good (don’t worry, I won’t – I’m already convinced you’re Dick Maas) ?

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    1. I must say that being officially recognised as one of the greatest enemies of RPGPundit was everything I dreamed and hoped it would be. I shall have golden hair and billboards with my name on it! Ah the prestige! The romance! The Je ne sais quoi!

      [PoN bump]
      I think the problem is that Dark Albion is so good it will brainwash you into liking it even though you do not like it. Pundit may have said something to that effect, but if he did he got that from me. It is not really possible to dislike his work on any front really. Why do you think he rates all of his work with a 9? Do you think that’s merely blatant self-promotion? He can’t give it any lower, he hates it, as I hate the OSR, even though I run and review OSR. It is one of the many bewildering visscitudes of postmodern D&D, or PDiDy as it is know in Holland.

      [Dick Maas]
      I can neither affirm nor deny I am Dick Maas. But you should see the movie Sint by Dick Maas, Dick Maas thought that was a pretty good movie, maybe my best. Surely you would not dare to search Dick Maas’s comments who I am not, for clues to my identity. That would be harassment. And terrorism. Writing critical reviews with positive grades is terrorism.

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  2. I just want it on record that I won’t be breaking anyone’s kneecaps for endorsing anything, by this mythical ‘Tarnowski’ character or anyone else. Slander indeed. Or is it libel? Either way: upon my oath, I am not a legbreaking man.

    Also, amusingly, Zak was fairly courteous about my review of RaPL in the end. Scarcely a nit picked and a civil conversation had. It’s almost as if personal animosity doesn’t rule out the idea that someone’s work might stand on its own merit. More people could do with grasping that concept.

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    1. [Zakprincess]

      Zak is a tossfiddle but he has been shown to be capable of conversation in a logical fashion if not provoked. RaPL was not my cup of tea but it was very very very well designed.

      I am aghast that Pundit describes his work as a Swine’s worst nightmare. Surely a Swine’s worst nightmare took place when John and I broke through the walls of farmer Henderson’s pigpen in our college days and he taught me how to make instant bacon by drinking a can of lighter fluid and spitting it over a lit cigarette lighter. Ah those were the days.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. A Swine’s worst nightmare, if rumour is to be believed, is the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Pundit has some way to go before he arrives at “skull-fucking a dead pig” – allegedly or actually, though perhaps figuratively.

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  3. I only learned about John Tarnowski and his products after the Aryan supremacist and part-time RPG enthousiast known as Dick Maas started reviewing them. Now, I am not a judgmental man, however I am a judgmental genderfluid abomination who is an insult to both gods and men. After reading John’s reviewreview I am already convinced he/she/they is a waste of sperm and oxygen. Not only does it/it/it seem narCISsistic to the point of having a personality disorder, his/hurr/durr seeming lack of a sense of humour is dangerously problematic.

    What truly baffles me though is the fact that the quality of writing in the reviewviewview is of even lower quality than the worst content on Age of Dusk. The moment the aforementioned leader of the Dutch neonazi movement has somehow become more eloquent than the poor brown bastards hee/xhee/dem hired to maintain the blog, probably during the on-location research for Arrows of Indra, would be a good moment to start rethinking life.

    I believe no one is beyond redemption but until he repents (or gets therapy) I will pray daily that he gets gunned down in the streets of Montevideo by an illegally immigrated Paraguayan child hooker like the degenerate fag he is. Allegedly. Also it goes without saying that if you disagree with me in public, private or in your head you will be doxed and sued for hate speech.

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  4. I just want to see the giddy fit he pitches when he discovers you have more web traffic for your blog than he does.

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      1. DONUT WORRY BOWT A NON-STAHP MEATBEATS! I HAZ TAHT DISORDRE EVRE SINCE I FINDED OUT CHARLIT STROKELY DOES TEH DND!!! EYESITE IS STILL NOT TOO BADS!

        ALSO IF YEW AM ARE WONDRED WAIR ALL TEH HAERO’S HAVE GONE…TEH WAIT IS FINELY OVRE!! BRUCEBEIR-GAI!!1 (NO HOMOZAKS)
        HOAP HE SENT TARKDOWSKY SALVES FOR A EPIK BURNING !!1
        😮

        -NUNYA

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    1. The conversion ratio between nubile young jale girl and transvesticles is extremely difficult to calculate and fluctuates based on several factors (OSR clone, what Gary would have wanted and proximity of the nearest police officer).

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  5. I find it weird that he thinks you’re including “private information” about him in the review. Does he mean mentioning what I assume is his real name? The country he lives in? I mean he believes both that he’s famous and that he’s anonymous?

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    1. It’s a toss-up between Tarno actually believing that and the habitual smearing that he may have picked up as a defense-mechanism from his alleged SJW nemeses during his formative years. It is indeed his real name, and one can find it under the consultant credits for DnD 5e, (given the lack of aliases for the other consultants, one can not help but conclude he is in fact John Tarnowski) possibly literally the most well-known and best-selling rpg that is currently in circulation. He has himself mentioned he lives in Uruguay several times. I cannot help but regretfully conclude that he is either deliberately misinterpreting the truth or that he is a fragile little thing in serious need of safe space.

      Like

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