It has been a while since I have descended from my lofty GM perch to wade once more through the trenches of my blog to discuss the fruits of my endaevours. Fear not, more is coming, for after this report, there will be another.
When we last left our band of charlatans, lechers, liars and thieves, they had reached the Aerie of the Jale Men, there to enjoy a well-deserved rest. Well-rested and well-equipped with a plethora of crossbows, the party set out for the south, seeking the village of the Dolm men to reap the generous rewards of its chieftain, the Invincible Iron Sword of Kra. On their way, they encountered a band of blue Hastur Worshippers, and after exchanging nonsensical banter and declining an offer to participate in their silly ritualistic mummery, the band travelled onward, the Nameless Blue Man remaining behind for mysterious reasons, as though the spirit that animated him was not participating in the game for that session.
The village of the Dolm men was surrounded for miles by baleful totems of horrific aspect, seeming to follow them with their carven insectile eyes wherever they went. Ignoring the handmaiden’s superstitious whispering of ‘Teeth of the Gods’ they persevered to the Dolm village, informing first about its benevolent ruler and her father, the Iron Sword of Kra. They discovered that the Iron Sword of Kra was indeed a merciful and benevolent ruler, though he was furious and terrible in punishing evil (i.e anyone who disobeys, slights or angers the Iron Sword of Kra). Vaguely troubled, our heroes travelled into the village, finding them pleasant in their ignorance and savagery.
The Invincible Iron Sword of Kra, who lived in a hut perched on a pole above the rest of the village, did appear, and though he wore no pants or undergarments, his large wooden headdress and blade of silvery metal were most impressive. Decreeing that he was Pleased, the Iron Sword went into his hut and proclaimed: Witness the generosity of the Iron Sword of Kra!, dropping a single gold piece into the dirt. He further decreed that the heroes were welcome to stay in his village and eat, but he would slay them and half his village if they were still present at sunup. Thus decreed the Iron Sword of Kra. He also ordered them to join him in his war against the hated Ulfire Slavers, promising vast riches that would eclipse the vast rewards he had already granted them. Disgusted, our band snuck out of the village to sleep in the fields, silently observed by the omnipresent Teeth, the superstitious warnings of the lavascious Dolm handmaiden already forgotten. Ah las, as the luminescent twilight of the Carcosan night was banished by the dawn the sun, an avowed enemy of the Nameless Blue man, or so he insists time and time again, revealed them to be covered with horrendous injuries. Suspiciously eyeing the Teeth of the gods, now covered in a mysterious crimson sticky substance that smelled strongly of iron, our band pressed on, muttering discontently and shaking their fists impotently at the heavens, where it is said the Greatest god of all lives and runs the game that is our lives, our band marched back for the Aerie.
Ah las, their leasurely traipse towards the stronghold was rudely interrupted by a band of nefarious green men. Heavily armed and numerous, the band crossed paths with our heroes shortly after they had left the teeth. Styling themselves hunters, the Green ruffians pleaded with our noble heroes and asked them generously and quite insistently for some valuables to pay for supplies at the Aerie. Remus, overcome with an inexplicable spurt of generosity, granted them from their treasures a bracelet and ring in the shape of a serpent swallowing its own tail, the sign of the hated Ulfire Slavers. Nodding gratefully, the ruffians continued on, only to be thrown to their deaths from the walls of the Aerie as soon as the treasures were discovered. Sneering hatefully, our band travelled towards the Aerie, Sayd pausing briefly to loot the corpses but dissuaded by the swearing of the Jale Men, who claimed all treasures thus evicted along with the bodies of the Green Men. Remus stated it was well worth the coin.
Purchasing three canoos and an unneccesairily large amount of crossbows, our band set out for the river, there to travel towards the mountains with the aim of earning filthy lucre from the hands of generous Kalak in exchange for the rare magnetic ores he craved. Ah las, Carcosa was unkind that day, resulting in an encounter with three Dolm Worms, each 30 metres in length. Leaving behind poor Rake to be devoured by these children of Shai-Hulud, Remus mourned his loss deeply from a safe distance. Dejected, our band reached the river and set out to paddle onward, meeting a new traveller along the way. The Fisherman Asuz, an orange man plagued eternally by a strange eyeless crow creature that speaks in the voice of men and continually haunts him, who joined them on their journey towards the baleful Tsaggasoth Peaks, seeking company to alleviate his torment at the hands of the diminuitive feathery nightmare.
And so our band travelled onward, paddling upstream and foiling one of the nautical inhabitants of the great river by throwing rations in the water, thus distracting it long enough for them to get away. On their journeys, they passed the great bridge that had claimed the lives of one of their previous companions, pausing to get out of the river and circle around it, fearing arachnid trickery was afoot. After a rest, during which they killed the crow-thing, only to have it return on the morrow, our band moved on, feeling slightly uncomfortable but still optimistic. They ignored the great metal pipe filling the river with unidentifiable noxious black sludge, giving it not a second thought. It was as they passed the now desolated village of the Yellow Slavers that their curiosity, or rather, their greed, that most common and strongest of all Carcosan emotions, was perked.
Sneaking in, they were distressed to find the place looted, the remains now being picked over by savage Orange men from the South. Sneakily moving skirting from place to place, they quickly captured one and killed the other, learning all that had transpired. It seemed the most Desirous One, a great warrior and avowed enemy of He Who Sits on the Polychromatic Butterfly Throne, had learned of his death and the defeat of the yellow ones at the hands of hideous snake men and, aided by his ferocious hide-clad warriors, swiftly moved in to finish the remainder, impaling their heads on spikes for all to see and running off with their riches. The few remaining raiders, having long since looted the Ziggurat and carried off the eponymous Polychromatic Butterfly Throne, were now scouring through the remaining huts for baubles and gemstones. Interest perked, Jahlin swiftly stabbed the man in the chest and voted to slay all of them. Remus objected on the grounds of the pragmatism of the plan, but quickly assented once the kinks had been worked out. Ambushing orange men left and right and wrapping their naked bodies into a carpet on top of eachother, the band moved through the village like a posthumous homosexuality-inducing serial killer. Reconaissance was needed and thus Sayeed asked of the strange bird creature, as it pecked relentlessly at the impaled heads of orange men and also Asuz’s much abused dome, to scout ahead, informing them of the number of remaining assailants and their position. “ONE BOON WILL I GRANT THEE”, howled the crow-thing, “BUT YOU WILL BECOME ONE WITH US IN THE END.” Shrugging, Sayeed assented. Through a cunning ambush and the use of rayguns, bows, and the lavascious charms of fair Jahlin, the few remaining orange men were ambushed or alternatively slain en masse and much spoils were had. Whistling merrily, our band set out for the village of the white men to pawn off their ill-gotten gains.
After an uneventful return journey, during which the band was joined by a second Crow-thing that perched comfortably on Sayeed’s head, pecking at his skull occasionally, the band arrived at the village of the White Men, ruled by the niggardly Passion of Circumstance, or as Remus called him, ‘that greedy little shit.’ Our band, pawning off their pewter dishes and silver baubles for much needed gold, endeavoured to purchase climbing gear and an energy weapon. Sadly, the White men were unwilling to part with them, however, Remus, through trickery and charisma, managed to find an unsavoury merchant who was willing to part with a stolen energy cell. Ah las, his inherent miserliness, a quality shared by all blue men, got the better of him, and the merchant sent him away insulted.
It is at this point that Jahlin decided to use her feminine wiles in a most unladylike fashion. Undeterred by protestations of the merchant and the GM, she used her wicked feminine wiles with great determination and oddly inspired roleplaying to coerce the merchant into unspeakable acts of carnal depravity, after which the cell was purchased at a discount and no diseases were incurred no matter how much the GM wanted some sort of vindication for what has to be one of the most uncomfortable moments in the entire session. Dudes roleplaying chicks banging dudes roleplayed by dudes. The Worst.
Our session ended with impetuous Sayeed, seeking to replicate the success of Jahlin by means thankfully more savoury but far more ill-advised. Completely forgetting that the village was already quite familiar with him after our band had slain the vile creature that laired to the west, he sought to impersonate a scholar of alien sciences, and was quickly brought before the chieftain who did not believe his transparent facade for but a heartbeat. A swift rebuke took place, and so Sayeed was scourged to within an inch of his life. Seeking to placate the by now angry chieftain, Sago offered to join in on the scourging, to the approval of both the village and the mirthful bellowing of our noble heroes. With the agonised cries of Sayeed echoing through the afternoon, we depart our tale for now.
Join us next time, for another exciting installment of Lost on Carcosa, for the continuation of this interminable saga of wickedness, skullduggery, doom, sorcery and debauchery.
Death toll: 10
[A] Rohnan (Specialist 1): Eaten by giant spiders
[B] Jaxxon Windwaker (Ftr 1) : Impaled by Spawn of Shub-Niggurath
[C] Mongo the Red (Sor 1) : Impaled by Spawn of Shub-Niggurath
[B] Klak (Specialist 1) : Skull crushed by Animate Snake-man statue
[B] Kristal (Ftr 1): Drowned in Quicksand
[D] Kakarot (Sor 1): Beheaded by Jale Berserker
[A] Midros (Sor 1): Bissected by Jale chieftain
[E] T’Click (Spec 1): Butchered by treacherous Ulfire men
[B] Kris (Spec 1): Gutted by Elite Yellow Temple Guardian
[D] Rake (Ftr 1): Devoured by Dolm Worm