[Review] Girls Gone Rogue (Alpha Blue); The Mysteroid Method

[Supplement]
Girls Gone Rogue (2016)
Venger As’Nas Satanis (Kor’Thalis Publishing)

Disclaimer: Sponsored Content

NSFW in the slightest

Let’s kick off FTL-Februari properly with a nice transitional piece. There I was, sitting in my thinking chair with my big-brained thinking cap on, ruminating on what awesome game to review first for FTL-Februari. I would push boundaries with these reviews, covering games I have actually played or GMed for prolongued periods of time, hardcovers and all. Would it be Dark Heresy? Stars Without Number? Or some other hidden gem yet to be named?

When I had made my choice I stood up, fists planted firmly on my hips, and bellowed the mirthful laughter of anime protagonists. In the middle of the night I loped down the stairs with barely contained glee, black wings outstretched, hands splayed obscenely as if to fondle [1]. When I unearthed the tome in question, brushing off the dust, I shrieked with outrage, for under its cover there was written not the name of the Best Sci-fi Game of All Time, but Girls Gone Rogue by Venger Satanis. Paused midway between raising my fists and making the heavens tremble with my wrath, I was too late in noticing the purple pentacle drawn on the floor.

“Drat!,” said I, watching the suddenly appearing cloud of glowing green smoke form into an all too familiar bald face and corduroy with growing dismay.
“PrinceofNothing,” said he, as the walls were covered in hoarfrost. “Thou hast pleased me by pimping my Cha’alt Kickstarter, but thine Tasks are not yet fulfilled.”
“Armpit of Raggi and Sick Old Woman’s Dreck!,” cried I, straining against my wards. “This is the Third Geas this year! This is bullshit!”
“How would you feel about reviewing more Alpha Blue?,” chuckled the Apparition.
“I would prefer an eternity of torment in the deepest pits of Abbathor,” gnashed I.
“I have written an expansion for it called Girls Gone Rogue.”
“I would prefer,” I raged, “to be the fluffer in Zak’s Pornos.”
“You will review it and face obscenities unimaginable on this mortal plane.”
“I would prefer,” I spit through clenched teeth,”to ghostwrite Chenier’s memoirs.”
“And I have written many more. Dozens. Thousands.”
“YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS SATANIS!”
“But not today.”
“ffffffffffFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU-”

Girls Gone Rogue is the first…expansion to Alpha Blue, giving you additional character creation options as well as expanded Pick-up and whore-boning rules that were noticeably lacking in the first game. If Alpha Blue was less sleazier then advertised, Girls Gone Rogue picks up the slack and slides right into creepo territory, for my sins. The other half marks our first very sleazy adventure for the system and about half a dozen very awesome adventure seeds.

The first half is…uneven, essentially a series of random tables meant to inspire or generate certain characteristics. It feels like a prototypical Venger product, more like he came up with the tables on the fly or during actual play then a deliberate effort derived from critical analysis, meaning this section feels uneven. There is some good shit here however.

Girls Gone Rogue begins by offering an additional cosmetic character choice in the form of the Robot (alongside the special, alien or mutant), which allows one to interface with machinery on a 2 in 6 chance and to subsist on motor oil/recharge. I guess you can now add to your roster of perverts someone who is “fully functional” and “programmed in multiple techniques.”

The first mechanical impact is a vaguely Traveller-esque background system, allowing you to roll your experience (randomly of course). The minor effects are pretty awesome. As a rash youth you can get advantage on acting impulsively once per session (excellent), seasoned veterans can get a bonus on some obscure bit of knowledge or knack, and there is even a sort of History of Violence mind-wipe background that allows you to suddenly regain your memory and act like a super-human killing machine for a round (A History of Violence Style!).

After that Venger commits the utterly unthinkable faux pas of actually statting out, in useful but open terms, what exactly a Zedi, Templar or Dark Templar (these are space catholics and satanists respectively) can do. The Zedi is horrendously overpowered, and with an ability each level up (aka each session) it will not be long until he vastly outpowers other, weaker characters [2]. As a subtle nod to customization, PCs can opt to limit their Zedi Powers to only 1/day but with a 4d6 dice pool as opposed to 2d6 [3]. Along with a system that allows a Zedi to teach other PCs the way of The Way at a 25% success rate, the Zedi is probably the most overpowered addition to the book, the Cavalier of the Alpha Blue game if you will. Even the Templar class, which has very minor abilities compared to the Zedi, breaks away from the original format of mostly descriptive classes with maybe an extra dice if an action falls under your remit to full fledged classes. The powers are cool but they nudge AB closer to special snowflakism as written, and with the ready availability of Special Classes, it makes one wonder why one would play a regular class at all [4].

Anyway, some additional fluff tables nonwithstanding (i.e a downtime table or a Monty Python table), about 20% of the book is dedicated to porn, and almost immediately out of the gate we are treated to what I assume is the world’s first (and hopefully last) graphic depiction of Vogon Erotica.

Da Fuq Man
Verrry Erotic

And after you have finished hatefully sneering into your palm you are bombarded with the other half of that image.

Special Erotica
Set Course for Degeneracy. Maximum Warp.

What puzzles me is that this is the only piece that is like this. The rest is all naughty naughty exposed space-princess beavers and some cyborg military officer tastefully fornicating a sex bot with exposed cleavage over a glass table.

There’s one other thing that crosses the line and makes me tap my X-card. There’s a fifth table on the sexual fetishes list that involves violence, animal cruelty, mutilation etc. I don’t get its inclusion, its not funny but merely disturbing. I’m no prude but its an atonal shriek in an otherwise merry harmony of smut. Thank god Venger stays the fuck away from pedophilia.

The actual sex rules are…pretty damn good if you want to turn your game into Space Pickup: The Game (geddit?). There are excellent tables for girl names [5], responses to your advances, level of sexual freakishness [6], grade [7], body type, hair-color and profession. This is by far the most advanced hoe generator I have ever seen and some of these tables can easily be ported to a sleazy modern or fantasy game. Mad props for getting some details, like the professions or the names, exactly “right.” This is the most elaborate part of the book, and its all about picking up and dating sluts. That’s right motherfucker, I said dating, because Girls Gone Rogue also provides with a list of Girlfriend Drawbacks…and they are amazing. I can’t do this justice by just picking a few, I think I’ll just have to generate some hoes.

Crystal (Big and Tall Green Chick)
Blue-stream cam Girl
7 out of 10 (attractive)
Noteworthy apparel: Body Paint (Aha!)
Good Girl
Orgasm face: Cereal Breakfast Advertisement Face coupled with Maniacal Laughter
Quirks: Activist of some kind, Oversized Clit (inappropriate orgasming), Deep Voice

Average american woman. Next!

Samantha (Voluptuous Redhead)
Burlesque Performer
7 out of 10 (attractive)
Noteworthy apparel: Lingerie
Super Freak
Orgasm Face: Stone Face
Quirks: 7 kids, Mutant, She can Deepthroat

Approximation of Vengers Wife. Next!

Amanda (Chubby Brunette Blonde)
Profession: Waitress
Perfect 10.
Noteworthy apparel: Silver bikini.
Weird Fetish (Likes to be handcuffed, covered in pizza, while a bearded dude tickles her with a fern)
Orgasm face: Hurts so good.
Quirk: Always analyzing you

I just generated my girlfriend. Next!

Kiwi (Chunky Redhead)
Musician
3 out of 10 (woof woof)
Noteworthy apparel: Pink cowboy hat and boots
Freak
Orgasm Face: Sweet Relief
Quirks: Has never seen any of the Star Wars Movies, She’s got a Twin, Quiet Talker

At least one of you fuckers reading this took Kiwi to the prom. I want NAMES!

In addition to this plethora of random hoe generation tables there is also a list of dude quirks but they are only d20 and may have only a single trait because as Venger states, Men are Simpler. In addition, dudes are always considered horny and willing to do stupid shit to get laid. Accurate. There’s a list of sexual performance, a way of determining when the stockholm syndrome kicks in…this is the most elaborate Pick-up Simulator I have ever seen and it rocks pretty hard.

After this we get a regular NPC generator where Venger taps into the Noir trope he must assuredly channel in your Average Alpha Blue game (space sleeze means space crime means space noir!). These are essentially space noir adventure seeds disguised as Space Noir NPCs but since adventure seeds are one of the most useful things in a setting I won’t bitch if you will. The subsequent NPCs come equipped with actual likes, dislikes, skills and equipment but they fall a little flat after the colourful nonsense of the Noir section.

We get a little meta-section here too (seriously this book needs an edit, shit is placed haphazardly and is hard to follow. Make sub-chapters!) on the use of Western Tropes to evoke a western feel but the section is somewhat clumsy. Rather then describing the elements that lie at the heart of the Western Genre Venger sort of orbits around the point by describing many of its surface elements (e.g everything is dirty, violence, cantinas, cigars, banditos, personal motivation). Contra Spellslinger, Girls Gone Rogue never manages to convey just what a western is about, which is a shame, since I happen to think SF and Westerns go together brilliantly (see also Cowboy Bebop [8]). Points for including on the fly blaster duelling rules.

After that it sort of starts to resemble Stars Without Number with a random planet generation system. It’s not AS good but its pretty damn serviceable if you just need a new place to land, shoot some motherfuckers and get some green alien poontang. No seriously.

Planet Green-Alien-Poontang.
Federation Colony
Frozen Surface (Poisonous atmosphere)
Teeming with monstrous creatures
Colony: Crashed City-Ship.
Government: Dictatorship
Tech Level: Reinassance (Post-Iron Age)

Horrifically misnamed by the Federation Cartographic Survey Team, Green-Alien-Poontang is actually the least likely place to get laid in all the universe, beating out both the heart of Super Massive Star LVX-1113 and Japan.

Girls Gone Rogue is weird. It’s like its taking the piss with its huge porn section and then it starts getting all world-buildy and shit. Did I mention GgR has rudimentary Ship Combat rules?

Rudimentary Ship-combat rules

Ship combat is resolved by rolling a die each round against a result of 20. The trick is that your die type is determined by your ship and increases by one step each round. So while a Chiahua Class Infiltrator Tiny Dancer will start with a d4, a Destroyer Class Battleship will start with a d8. Die type is restricted to d10 if you don’t have a pilot (Skill rule!), any ship may perform evasive maneuvers which means it cannot be targeted for d4 rounds, but there does not seem to be a restriction on the number of times this can be attempted so I would scrap it. Escaping into hyper-space takes 2 rounds, presumably you cannot fire back during these rounds either right? Regardless, combat is interesting because it disables sub-systems first, and there is even a sub-system repair time listed, so well done.

As a second gripe, the system is currently only worked out for 1 v 1 combat, but you could conceive of some permutation of the above system for multiple combatants. Still, the omission is rather glaring.

Sample combat: Tiny Dancer vs Blue Flamingo. Both have pilots. Tan Wiseau Solo is pissed off at Mark Skywalker or tricking him into thinking there was poon-tang on planet Green-Alien-Poontang. There was not naaat.

Tiny Dancer goes first since it is the smallest, rolling a d4, a 1. Critical Miss! Your lasers have overheated (there is no noted effect for this so I will just count it as a non-result, maybe make the critical miss reset the dice or something?).

Blue Flamingo returns fire, rolling a d6 and scoring a glancing blow (4), absorbed by their shields. “YOU LIED TO ME, YOU BETRAYED ME, YOU DIDN’T KEEP YOUR PROMISE AND I DON’T CARE ANYMORE,” says Tan.

Mark fires again, a d6 this time. Rolling a 1 and then a 3 (hit a friendly ship). There is, fortunately, no friendly ship in range, so we will rule it as a 4 (hit yourself). Mark shoots his own ship to no effect (2). “Do you know the Way?,” asks Mark in his best Ugandan Knuckles voice.

Wiseau: “SCREW TEH WHOLE WORLD. PEE-PEEW.” Rolling d8 (6). Control panel on fire. Mark’s next die is reduced by one type (i.e back to d6).

Mark curses (‘keep your stupid comments in your pocket!) and fires his lasers again: d6 (4) scoring a glancing hit to no further effect. Things are starting to look grim.

Wiseau: “CHICKEN. YOU ARE JUST A LITTLE CHICKEN. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP.” D10 (8) Anyone getting head on Dwayne’s ship will need d4 stitches. Fortunately for Mark, he hasn’t gotten laid since his best friends wife tricked him into having sex with her.

Mark: “What are you doing?” Yet another d8 (1). Mark’s weapons jam as his broken ass fighter continues its failure spiral across the galaxy.

Wiseau’s Vessel is getting through his shields. There is naught but mocking, artificial laughter and Wiseau feels comfortable enough to enable his pleasure droid for a BJ. Another d12 (8). If Mark had been getting a blowjob, he would have needed more stitches. Since we already had this result, Wiseau gets to roll again, hitting himself (1-1)! Oh no! We assume a hit on onself means rolling the weapons dice again and we get a 5 Direct Hit! (shields are down, ignore result 4-5 on subsequent attack rolls!)

Mark fires back with a d10, hitting nothing but air (3). He does his best Millhouse impression with the small time remaining him.

Blue Flamingo has optimum target configuration. D20 (14!). Life-support is down. 10 minutes of air left. Tiny Dancer has no escape pod.

“Johnny is my best friend!” Mark decides to give it one more round before he begins his escape, figuring that a round is an indeterminate amount of time anyway. A d12 (9) Disables Tan Wiseau’s navigation systems, meaning he can’t leave the area anytime soon.

“It seems to me that you are the EXPERT, Mark!” screeches an enraged Wiseau, firing his weaponry at point blank range d20 (16). Tiny Dancer is crippled and Wiseau can finish it off next round.

“OH. HI. MARK.” Pee-peew. Explosion.

The End.

Adventures

Half the book is adventure seeds, with the first one being a full-fledged adventure outline. Its 10 pages, covering only generalities but covering an amazing amount of ground in that space. There’s no maps and some rudementary stats, but it works as a single session adventure.

The PCs get bamboozled into sleeping with a hawt federation babe, who infects them with a lethal pathogen. They need to find and terminate a renegade sex-bot named Ilsa of the SS (who but Venger would base adventures of such sordid smut). The PCs are given a single random item (there is a chance to get a book of magic spells from Vengers fantasy game or a possessed weapon because why the fuck not) and then the PCs have to take a smelly space bus (complete with randomly generated space scum, this is the shit!) to a desert planet in search of the sexbot. There is an overweight boba fett in a junkyard near the city complete with a cybernetic mexican (as fluff? I was unsure why he was included but I guess he could work) but the real meat and potato is the bar with Isla. Plot twist! There are three sex bots in the cafeteria that resemble Ilsa! And there’s another Alien Bounty hunter in the Bar! And there’s a weird slug-like alien with a mind-switching device! And turns out Isla needs to die because she overheard a terrible federation plot! It turns out the Federation is secretely supporting Space Isis! Topical…

The scenario is a little messy but the situation is volatile, brimming with adventuring potential, so over the top its charming and presents a real dilemma that is not hampered by AB’s relatively simple combat system. It’s…good at its core, and not a railroad at all.

The rest are adventure seeds. The editing is fucking grating here. Venger uses the same font for new quests as he does for sub-chapters so its hard to see where one seed begins and the other ends which leads to confusion but the seeds themselves are all about two paragraphs of mostly very awesome shit, with random porn sections thrown as if to illustrate how Alpha Blue is played properly.

The biggest one involves the PCs guarding a space princess impersonator (nympho-exhibitionist), only to find the real princess has been kidnapped by a gang of space scum so her evil system can rule the system before her coronation. It’s uncanny how Venger gives JUST enough detail for you to fill in the blanks. This one is gold.

Want another? The PCs win a lottery ticket. The Winner gets to be High Chancellor of Galaxy 5! Only the goverment is really fucked and the people are about to revolt and someone needs to take the blame! And also a topless space princess is sending her armada of ships to ignite all suns in Galaxy 5 on her birthday!

This is some sort of B-movie holy grail. The hooks are awesome, if you like shlock. Space amazons, Cthonian drug pushers, an insane captain of a millenia old colony ship that seeks to detonate it in the heart of federation space to herald in a new bigbang, escaping from the frozen planet Destructo. This. This is the shit. Fuck those Alpha Blue adventure seeds. These. These are the new Alpha Blue adventure seeds with EXTRA Grindhouse!

It’s verdict time. It’s a characteristically Venger-esque product, with all the idiosyncrasies that that entails. Besides he habitual gripes of editing and proper font use, Girls Gone Rogue is a very conditional recommendation. There’s parts I found out of place or not very well worked out (spaceship combat, weird porn picture or grim fetishes, power gamer Zedi rules), parts I found merely funny (ALL the pickup shit) and parts I can see almost anyone who doesn’t delete this game and throws their harddrive in a woodchipper upon first reading it will enjoy the shit out of. It’s MORE Alpha Blue. It’s not always good Alpha Blue, but if you want MORE Alpha Blue Girls Gone Rogue certainly delivers. Its sloppy, its uneven, but the good sections really shine. I’d give it about a 6 out of 10.

You can check out Girls Gone Rogue here!

[1] After the appropriate consent forms have been signed.
[2] The ability to attack twice in a round 75% of the time is particularly powerful.
[3] Mad props for making the Zedi Powers compatible with your core system hoss
[4] A legitimate question, considering you can roll once on the Special Table and Once on the occupation table anyway.
[5] Tasteful, dignified names like Destiny, Chardonnay, Tiara and Crystal
[6] In the Alpha Blue universe, about 5 out of 8 women you meet will at least be sluts, with a 3 in 8 chance of them being either nymphomaniacs or prostitutes. Seems legit considering your line of work.
[7] Venger magnanimously sets the bar at a 3 and goes all the way up to 11.
[8] And this.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “[Review] Girls Gone Rogue (Alpha Blue); The Mysteroid Method

  1. Full disclosure, I’m reading this at a mandatory church function.

    Alpha Blue is one part comedy, two parts space opera, three parts sleaze, and one part full-on trolling. The starship combat sub-system is a prime example. Really, starting with 1d20 for each side is preferable.

    The heading thing sucks, as you mentioned. After that book, I made serious efforts to rectify the problem.

    I’d love to run an Alpha Blue session that’s just picking up girls in a lowdown dive bar. Why can’t THAT be the adventure? Anyways, my RPG will make you a better GM, player, slut, gigalo, zedi knight, and silver spandex clad bounty hunter. Take the space plunge already, you fucking pussy!

    Like

    1. That session actually sounds more fun and interesting than participating in the advanced hoe generator that is the modern dating market. I think I finally understand who your game is for…

      Like

      1. Hahaha burnt out PUAs and other fallen heroes of the Manosphere. I was going to label Girls Gone Rogue a Dad game myself.

        Like

    1. I’m sure the noble profession of hoe-saving will receive extensive coverage alongside some expanded Peacocking and canned material rules in the next supplement: Beta Green and its follow up, Gamma Incel.

      Like

    1. This might be a killshot, but probably a very slow one. I’m not talking about his diehard fans, most of them are cultists, but I am talking about his wider leftist audience already conditioned to respond to these sorts of tales with instant credulity. And whether you believe it or not, it would be entirely consistent with his behavior thus far.

      James Raggi will not disavow him for any moral reason since he lacks that component almost entirely, but if enough people put pressure on him he might, its difficult for him since Zak is his best selling cash cow. It depends entirely on the response of the audience. Speaking of which, looks like my post isn’t going to be about SWN (or your play report) after all.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s